Morning Glory
by MoonliteCrescndo
Summary: In moments like these, great men are made from the stuff of courage and bravery. And yet in times like these, men are also made of much ignorance and stupidy. Miroku was neither, yet did that mean he was nothing? MK
1. Default Chapter

Hey everyone—

I know I said that I might not be writing for a while, but I thought that I would take a different route and try to see how I could do a character study of a male character—Miroku. I am basing this off of the whole CD of Oasis: "What's the Story Morning Glory." If you want to have hints about the next chapter or chapter title, just look up the play list, I'll be going in order. Hope its well received,

Thanks,

--MC

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HELLO

I don't feel as if I know you  
You take up all my time  
The days are long and the night will throw you away  
Cos the sun don't shine  
Nobody ever mentions the weather can make or break your day  
Nobody ever seems to remember life is a game we play   
  
We live in the shadows and we had the chance and threw it away  
And it's never gonna be the same  
Cos the years are following by like the rain  
And it's never gonna be the same  
'Til the life I knew comes to my house and says  
Hello   
  
There ain't no sense in feeling lonely  
They got no faith in you  
But I've got a feeling you still owe me  
So wipe the shit from your shoes  
Nobody ever mentions the weather can make or break your day  
Nobody ever seems to remember life is a game we play   
  
We live in the shadows and we had the chance and threw it away  
And it's never gonna be the same  
Cos the years are following by like the rain  
And it's never gonna be the same  
'Til the life I knew comes to my house and says  
Hello   
  
Hello!  
Hello!  
Hello!  
Hello!  
It's good to be back

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I'm being pensive again.

I'm _over thinking_ it all. Again.

But each time I think about, I'm not _understanding_ it. Again.

It doesn't really matter. I mean, when you think about your life, it really all doesn't matter. Yes Buddha, blah blah blah Buddha. I'm not really a good monk anyways. Which is all the more reason why it just doesn't matter. Yes I spout off a bunch of nonsense every now and again and everyone thinks I'm philosophical under the exterior of the groping hands, but no one ever really gets past that. They simply take for granted that there is more to me than these horrid monk robes, the kazaana and these blasted wandering hands. It's not my fault I like to feel the line of beauty as it curves over certain areas of the female anatomy. Fuck, certain areas? Any areas. But that's beside the point. What is beyond the monk madness? Beyond the gaping hole in my palm? What is beyond the worshipers of beauty labeled as the devil's appendages?

Perhaps even I don't know. Or I'd rather not know. But I DO know. I know what lies behind everything, what I hide every time I see them, see my supposed friends surround me, as they sleep, as we eat, as we fight.

I am alone. And no one cares.

Certainly it could be said that I don't know her as well as I should (or would like). But when you're selfish, trivial things like this don't bother you.

So…

I am alone. And no one cares.

---------------

"Houshi, if you touch me one more time, I WILL do serious damage," Sango yelled, blushing prettily. Well, any woman blushing was pretty. I suppose. Oh, right, erm…retrieving hand.

"Miroku-sama, do you want some ramen," Kagome asked. When life gives you an opportunity…

"Kagome-sama, you know what I want more than ramen? I would really enjoy some old-fashioned—"

"That warning goes for Kagome as well, Houshi."

"Uhh, jellied squid." Damn, it was the best I could come up with. Kagome gave me a puzzled look and handed me the ramen.

"Well, that is obviously going to have to do for now. Perhaps I could bring home some from the future, I've been meaning to go home anyways." And with that she was off in her own little world, planning things that I could never begin to understand or comprehend. Sometimes she was so innocent I wondered how she survived in this world at all.

"Stop right there, wench." Ah, Inuyasha HAS decided to grace us with his presence. Most fortunate since I was kind of getting bored. I mean, I do restrain myself somewhat and it was getting harder and harder (hah, I'm a riot) to accomplish when I was presented with so many opportunities to allow my hands to wander to more…fertile pastures. At least now I had someone to talk to that isn't afraid to sit somewhat near me…

"What do you want now, Inuyasha?" Kagome was in a fiery mood, I see. Normal normal normal blah blah blah.

"You are not going home now. Especially not to get something for the monk. We have shards to collect, things to do." Things to see, people to do…erm. Thanks Inuyasha, buddy old pal.

"But Inuyasha! I haven't gone home in about, what? Three weeks? I have things to do at home, thank you!"

"Yeah, she does!" Ahh, there is the faithful lap-fox piping in to say nothing particularly important but he is just so darn cute no one cares. Well, at least, that's umm…what the WOMEN think.

"Shut up, Shippou." Inuyasha certainly doesn't think so. Well, to Inuyasha's credit, I highly doubt that he finds anything particularly cute. Well, maybe Kikyou. Well, maybe Kagome? I don't really, well, notice his specific emotions towards the two. Well, alright. I don't think he loves her, you know, Kagome. I think he is a stupid idiot. When it comes to love! Um, he is a good guy, really. Just slightly confused and befuddled, perhaps. Aren't we all? Anyways, Kagome is sitting Inuyasha and stomping away and—

"Holy fuck, Inuyasha, what the hell is that?" A sickening crunch was heard from the general direction Kagome just walked in. My heart began to thud against my ribcage as if it were some heathen drummer egging it on for a strange, masked war. Once the spell wore off I could hear Inuyasha tearing through the forest behind me, but I had already taken off at a sprint before I could even begin to think or even explain just why my heart was doing an elaborate dance to the horrible fast "pop" music Kagome once brought us. Stumbling into a clearing, I skidded to a halt as Inuyasha glided past me and halted before me, half shielding me with his body. I'm not that helpless, thanks. However, before I could rebuke the obvious protection (I am not Kagome, I can protect myself!), the crunch sounded again, this time above our heads. Looking up, Kagome was being held in a disgusting bird youkai's mouth, as he flew two and fro above us, as if tempting us to attack him. Without a word Inuyasha had the tetsuiaga out and jumped into the air, slicing anything that somewhat resembled an ugly bird holding his precious Kagome. For she was his, really, in all essences of the word—I bit my tongue to stop the thought. Not the time, Miroku. Not the time.

Kagome swayed perilously in the bird's engorged mouth, Inuyasha not making much foreground in the fighting department. However, he did manage to distract him a bit.

"Hiraikotsu!" Ah, Sango has arrived. "Kirara, go get Kagome!" The little youkai sprang into life to go rescue the slipping Kagome and I just stood here. Looking. Stupid. Sango threw here Hiraikotsu again and I just stood. Here. Looking. Stupid. Air void: useless due to Sango, Kirara, Inuyasha and Kagome in the path of its destruction. My Houriki: useless just like I am. I could _suggest_ something to do. If someone asked me to _suggest _something I could—

"Houshi, what the hell are you doing?" Sango yelled as she threw her Hiraikotsu for the fifth time (showoff). "Kirara is coming down with Kagome—tend to her wounds for Kami's sake."

Kuso. She was right. I was sitting here distracted and I could hear the screech of the bird youkai as Kirara grasped Kagome as gently as possible in her teeth and flying to my side. She then quickly deposited her to join to foray once more, helping the fight more than I ever could.

She looked horrible. Gashes, unconsciousness, blood—the look of the feudal era. If there could be a theme for this era, I'm sure Kagome would be the star—her body was almost unrecognizable due to the battered way the youkai bastard held her in his careless mouth. At first I was shocked. And then it all started coming back to me, the minor training, the procedures. I lifted her tiny kimono at the center to reveal more of the stomach on her gash. Running my fingers over her wound, I felt her groan lightly in her unconsciousness. Pushing her kimono up farther (do you think I would stoop to grope her now? Erm…perhaps I did linger a bit too long on her soft, pale skin but…) I needed to see the extent of injuries. Right, step one; check if she is steal breathing. I gently laid her across my lap (no chance of spinal chord breakage?) and pressed my ear to her mouth and looking at the gentle rise of her chest as I tried to ignore her lips subtly brushing my sensitive ear. Shiver Check for breathing. Now, second, treat the most life-threatening injury first while making sure she is breathing. Her most life threatening injury at the moment would be…

"Houshi? Do something!"

"I'm doing the best I can at the moment, Sango."

"Well your best isn't good enough, heal her," she said ferociously as she threw her weapon especially hard. "If you don't—"

"There isn't much I can do, Sango. There is never much I can do." Her eyes turned to me as she caught her Hiraikotsu mechanically. Her eyes were cold yet white flames danced in them as she leaned over to me.

"Damnit, make yourself useful, Houshi! Don't just sit there feeling pathetic about your kazanna and grope her! You're a monk! Heal her!"

Trying to restrain myself from lashing out in retaliation, I grit my teeth and gathered Kagome into my arms. "Monks don't work that way. But there is something I can do." And before she could retort with something even more painful, I left, traveling towards the well, leaving Sango and Inuyasha to finish off the youkai.

And that was it, right there, wasn't it? That is exactly what I was…a helpless, hopeless monk who feels sorry for himself all the time and uses his kazanna as an excuse to grope and take advantage of women. The bottom line, the sum up, the chapter heading. I had just discovered what exactly I was in the face of an enraged Taija and the thing that bothered me (must hurry, Kagome is groaning again) most was that SHE HAD NO IDEA. Was I simply a man who felt sorry himself? I certainly thought a lot about (putting her down by the well as I ripped her kimono to expose her stomach gouge) myself, but doesn't everyone? The thing that that bothers me the most is that, at that moment, I found what Sango really thought of me. She might deny it later, but in pure rage the truth had come out (need something to stop the blood—). She didn't—

Kagome groaned again. (Damn, she's vocal, store that in my "good information to know" drawer) Right, I need to concentrate on her. Now think Miroku, think, you weren't staying in the home of a medicine Buddhist for nothing, right? Think…there has to be something around here. Remember? Kushino said something about an orchid being able to treat wounds that was found on grassy slopes of foothills! Bletilla! Get up, idiot. Go find some, she needs her wounds looked after. Now.

So I got up (after I arranged her comfortably on my outer robes). I shifted the large bulge on her back to her head (had I really carried her and her backpack all the way to the well?) I got up. Bletilla, bletilla…its coming back to me now. Plicate leaves, violet flowers…about two feet. Leaves, violet flowers…leaves, violet flowers…leaves, violet flowers. Where are you? Kuso. There just has to be some around. She can't just die out here. She can't just come from the future and just die in the past before she was even born. She can't go before—

I almost trampled on it; I was so shocked to see the plant sitting there as if Kushino himself had guided me. Hastily picking off several leaves, I ran back to Kagome. Now, I remember, he said something about having to mix it with something. Something used for cooking…damn it, Miroku. My memory—oh, he did have an attractive daughter…no no no…Kagome uses it. She opens those packets of ramen and—oil! Taking out a bowl from her back (careful not to disturb her head) and a ramen packet, I found the nearest rock and began crushing the leaves into mush. Once they were paste-like I added the oil. There…now I just have to smear this...on her stomach. Cupping enough in my hands I spread it liberally over her gash, trying not to notice how her stomach contracted painfully to the antiseptic. I then tied her ripped kimono over her wound carefully and then applied the rest of the concoction I made to her other superficial wounds. As I was smearing some bletilla on a head gash that looked worse than it really was, her eyes fluttered open. Trying to focus on something, she groaned again and then looked at me as I paused my care.

"Mir—Miroku?"

"Kagome-sama, don't talk right now. Let me finish putting this on your head and then I'll get you some water."

"What happened?" I suppressed a laugh. I was just so happy she was awake and talking that I wanted to hug her. Well, grope her, really, but it's all the same in I-get-to-touch-a-woman land.

"You ran into a particularly nasty youkai. Here, tilt your head a bit so I can get this gash on your neck." She complied and once more, for the umpteenth time, groaned. It was beginning to make me a little…ahem.

"I feel like how Inuyasha must feel when I sit him. And what the heck are you putting on me?"

"Oh, it's just some bletilla mixed with oil. It has antiseptic and blood-clotting properties," I answered nonchalantly.

"How…how did you know…?"

"I learned it from—" and I had to hide my blush. I didn't mean to tell her so much. I was the perverted monk who is going to die soon, right? Not someone who has knowledge of medicinal herbs, certainly. "It was nothing, Kagome. Do not think on it."

"No, Miroku it was something. Don't play humble. You have quite possibly saved my life."

"No, Kagome. Inuyasha, Kirara and Sango saved you from the youkai. I did nothi—I did nothing that any one of them couldn't have done themselves." Wincing slightly she raised her hand and stroked my cheek gently. It was strange to see her comforting me when she was the one who was injured. Her fingers lightly brushed my hair falling in my face. I hadn't noticed until now that my hair had somehow broken free of its usual binding. Drawing calm from her warm hands, I stared into her eyes.

"No, you did something that only Miroku could do. And I thank you for it." She brought her hand to rest on top of my hand. I couldn't help but take her small hand in mine and stroke it with my rough fingers, enjoying the feel of someone touching me freely for once. It seemed as if I was the plague, in our little group, no one touching or getting too near me. Sure, I perhaps furthered their behavior and yet now it seemed a little hurtful that these gentle caresses and friendly touches were lost on me because I was deemed too perverted. And what she said "something only Miroku could do." It warmed my heart as I smiled at her, unable to understand why her kindness felt so good to me. Had I really been deprived of these simple things for so long? How did I go so long without realizing that perhaps all I needed was human contact? I know I say I don't like having company, but isn't it something we all need anyways? I felt like something had shifted and I wanted to explain to her how I felt, tell her my feelings—for the first time I wanted to share something about myself…to her. For the first time, I wanted her to know and understand me. For the first time, I was ready to allow her to perhaps glimpse at the real me.

"Kagome, I—"

"Oy, Kagome, are you okay?" Inuyasha shouted as he ran into the clearing by the well. Glancing at our clasped hands, I quickly withdrew and looked away, hoping that he wouldn't comment. "What is that green stuff?"

"I'm fine, Inuyasha. But I really need to rest and heal for a couple days at home. Could you…?"

"Bitch, I'm not your horse." He grunted, but dipped to pick her up anyways. He gave me a meaningful look which meant we would "discuss" the hand holding later and throwing her yellow backpack over his shoulder he jumped into the well. Yet before she left, Kagome gave me one last look as she disappeared over the lip of the well.

When she glanced back and smiled at me, I couldn't help thinking that even though I'd lost a bit of the mystery that is the fabulous and dark Miroku, she had seen a bit of me that no one has ever seen before. And anyways, that part of me that was lost was damn glad to be found. It's good to be back.


	2. Roll With It

Hello there,

Here is another chapter. Review responses below. I hope it proves to be as entertaining as the first. Or perhaps I hope it continues to mean something.

Read and enjoy,

--MC

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**Roll With It**

You gotta roll with it  
You gotta take your time  
You gotta say what you say  
Don't let anybody get in your way  
'Cause it's all too much for me to take   
  
Don't ever stand aside  
Don't ever be denied  
You wanna be who you'd be  
If you're coming with me   
  
I think I've got a feeling I've lost inside  
I think I'm gonna take me away and hide  
I'm thinking of things that I just can't abide   
  
I know the roads down which your life will drive  
I find the key that lets you slip inside  
Kiss the girl, she's not behind the door  
But you know I think I recognize your face  
But I've never seen you before   
  
You gotta roll with it  
You gotta take your time  
You gotta say what you say  
Don't let anybody get in your way  
'Cause it's all too much for me to take   
  
I know the roads down which your life will drive  
I find the key that lets you slip inside  
Kiss the girl, she's not behind the door  
But you know I think I recognize your face  
But I've never seen you before   
  
You gotta roll with it  
You gotta take your time  
You gotta say what you say  
Don't let anybody get in your way  
'Cause it's all too much for me to take   
  
Don't ever stand aside  
Don't ever be denied  
You wanna be who you'd be  
If you're coming with me   
  
I think I've got a feeling I've lost inside  
I think I've got a feeling I've lost inside

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Walking back to Kaede's hut seemed like mere seconds compared to the boring and idle minutes that droned on before. Sango was silently biting on her lip next to me and I could not for the life of me bring up what she had said. It seemed like it didn't really matter anymore, I guess. Well, yes, it did matter. But, this may sound very Inuyasha of me; we have shards to collect and things to do. Why should I, dressed as a servant of Buddha really bring up something that could create more chaos and tension in our diverse group? And anyways, I was having turmoil of my own…

I was a little relieved that Inuyasha didn't burst into a tirade when he first saw us holding hands, but I supposed it would be coming. And sure enough, just as Sango had gone ahead of me, while I stopped to inconspicuously fondle another bletilla and put the leaves in a pouch I had for safe keeping, there was a shout that sounded very much like a slightly enraged hanyou yelling my name.

"MONK!" Well, perhaps not my name, but details weren't quite necessary when possibly mutilation by claws was in the midst. I turned around slowly to meet a white curtain of hair. Cannot see face, resisting urge to push back hair because a) Inuyasha would kill me, b) is really seeing his probably angry face better than not seeing it, c) that would mean I would have to touch the half youkai…d) uhh…kinda creepy? and most importantly e) Inuyasha would kill me.

"Yes, Inuyasha? You called?" Trying to keep fear from entering my scent, I used a little of my Houriki to mask it as much as possible.

"You know what you did wrong." I paused in my response to assure him that I meant no harm to Kagome. Was touching her hand really wrong? I was comforting the girl. Well, in all actuality, she was comforting me; however, again, details are not important especially when Inuyasha flexed his claws a bit. Must. Keep. Calm.

"I do? I do." I answered with manly grace.

"Don't let it happen again…" he trailed off and suddenly it was all very clear to me. It wasn't the fact that she touched me that was the real issue here. That was obvious in Inuyasha's half-hearted scolding. The real issue was the fact that there was still the possibility that Kagome had touched ME first and not the other way around.

"I can assure you that Kagome did not touch me freely." I winced a bit at how that sounded to his overprotective ears and inwardly winced at the blatant lie. Why did it hurt to lie about that?

"Whatever Monk," he mumbled and went inside his robe to get something and then shoved it into my hand. And then without another word he walked away…seemingly downtrodden. I looked down into the hand that had received this unexpected gift and I had to do a double take for I could not believe what I held.

Jellied squid.

I watched Inuyasha walk away. And I felt entirely too happy and too stupid to move for quite some time.

-------------------

When one waits for something or is wary of something happening, it always results in the time before the thing happens to be slowed down and remembered by every excruciating detail. It seemed as if my life was perpetually in this slowed-down state where everything seemed to be very acute and I seemed to be almost hyper-aware of the people and things around me and feelings inside me. When one is in this state, you cannot do anything to speed up the time around you, except occupy yourself with something you enjoy to pass the strange time conundrum. However, with the absence of Kagome, the shard group became a very dull gathering, which consisted of a pining (whether for Kagome, Kikyou or the shards was a tough choice) hanyou, a dedicated tiayja (the Hiraikotsu has needs to, damn it), a random youkai (what did Kirara do on her days off?) and a mournful fox demon (sulking was not the best entertainment, contrary to popular opinion). I, on the other hand, was left to much meditation and pondering, which we all know can get quite annoying, boring, pathetic and sad a little too soon after occupying such a practice. And with the addition of my sudden yearning for perhaps more normal human interaction, this secluded and introverted behavior which I had adopted as my own normal mannerisms over the course of many years seemed even more inadequate than usual. I couldn't help but still get this feeling that I had been missing something vitally important over the years of my life and for the umpteenth time trying I could not figure out what was missing. Certainly I had many discouragements in my life and yet these never seemed to outwardly or inwardly affect me much before…but perhaps they did and I did not notice something was wrong until this moment. Of course being a monk was quite a lonely existence with traveling from land to land without any set home or destination. And of course I knew this when I went into this certain vocation, but still, there was something missing here and ever since the discussion with Kagome, I could not put my finger on it. Or her. Which was sorely missed, let me tell you. Sango is simply too violent sometimes.

Sighing inaudibly for about the thousandth time, I distanced myself from camp to meditate. There was at least one thing that was good about being a monk—who else could sit around and think about the beauty of ahem nature day after day under the guise of a religious necessity? And with that, I surrendered myself to the happy visions Buddha provided for me…

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Buddha sucks. Well, okay, alright, Buddha doesn't suck. I just couldn't concentrate on anything that I deemed important any longer. Kuso. Were there any women in this village that I haven't propositioned yet? There was Haruko, but she got clingy. I needed to get my mind clear, needed some sexual distraction to rid me of these stupid, vulnerable thoughts that left me strangely boggled down and clouded. Inuyasha had been growing restless as of late, perhaps sensing a bit of danger or shards or some smell in the air. It wasn't anything but the cold hard truth that everything stopped when Kagome left. We never found shards without her. It was as if her simple presence created a magnet for trouble that came for miles around. I bet if we waited long enough (and Inuyasha wasn't so damn impatient), we could just sit at the village here and have the shards coming to us. But the destruction that road would incur would be massive. And as a human, I sort of had a soft spot for the supposed bad-smelling, primitive, simple-minded creatures of my species. Well, that was the view of the demons, certainly. I could easily have recounted other lines of delight masked under the thick fabric of robes and expensive silk. The way a body moved in the moonlight and the flicker of passion in someone's eyes. The subtle (or not so subtle) curvature of a hip swelling to a supple a—

"Kagome! You're back!" I didn't even flinch as I heard everyone packing up for the road. That was perhaps the benefit of being a monk. All that I needed I carried within the confines of my robe, food was caught or provided or…ahem borrowed. Robes were mended, cleaned and worn. Nothing changed, as I heard everyone packing up, making the sounds of a camp, a well traveled group of close friends. It seemed strange that we should practically live together yet knows nothing, really, about each other. Well, perhaps know nothing about me. We knew Sango used to live in a village of demon exterminators where she was happy. We knew Shippou lived with his family until they were killed by Hiten and Manten. We knew Inuyasha was discarded from his family, his mother killed, him living in obscurity (oh, don't you just feel sooooo sorry for him?), him desiring the jewel and Kikyou and then being pinned to a tree for fifty years. We knew that Kagome lives five hundred years in the future, where she goes to school. Yet what about me? They only know that I'm a traveling monk who was cursed by Naraku in a family curse. They didn't know anything. And the worst part was that no one cared to even ask. It was as if I wasn't even important enough to deem even the slightest bit of curiosity. Getting up from my meditation position away from the camp, I presented myself to the group. They were all about to leave, Inuyasha already ahead by at least a hundred feet. Sango followed him closely with Shippou and Kiara. Kagome stood around, squinting in the sunlight until she saw me and smiled.

"Ya coming, Miroku-sama?" Of course I am, Kagome. Of course I am.

-----------------------------------

Later that night as we settled into a nice home that seemed to play host to a mysterious ominous cloud, I ventured outside to be alone with the stars. I had taken to glancing at them at night when I was alone. It gave me perspective on my life that I couldn't gain anywhere else. It made me feel so one with the world at that one moment in time, so interconnected that I was sure, for one damn moment, that we would defeat Naraku before my death. I knew, call it hope, but I knew that I wouldn't pass this on to my child. It was perhaps the only thing I had left to give me faith in our quest. So perhaps this was what I was contemplating when she came up beside me and sat down without me noticing. But as I turned and saw her there, glancing at the stars as I did, it was as if it was completely natural to have her there beside me.

"Where did you learn to do that, Miroku-sama?" She asked without lifting her gaze from the sky. She had this way about her where she could say something completely out of the blue and I always knew what she was referring to. She was so bizarre sometimes that I often felt like her translator, her mediator to a group of people five hundred years before her time. Perhaps it was my monk training that made me more patient with her than most, but I liked to believe it was because in moments like these, although rare, I felt like I knew her, inexplicably.

"Before I was a monk I lived in the home of a medicine Buddhist. I was training from him to perhaps become a doctor." I was still looking at her when she turned from the sky to look me in the eye. Her eyes bore into mine, as if trying to ascertain if I was really telling her something about myself, if my statement was true or not.

"Why didn't you become a doctor?" She asked a little while later, turning her gaze back to the stars, as if conceding that I was indeed telling the truth.

"I…I couldn't perform…well enough." She glanced back at me, and I sheepishly raised my rosary-clad arm. "Can't do much with a hole in your palm, can you?" I added, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks at the thought of giving her more pieces to the puzzle. She scooted closer and smiled serenely as she laid her head on my shoulder.

"There is a lot that you can do, though. I mean, you fight really well with your staff…" Trying to lighten the mood, I made a quick and hasty exit she provided for me. Ah, being a known hentai has its advantages.

"There are other things that I can do really well with my staff, Kagome…" I didn't know when exactly she had become more intimate with me to be called just Kagome, but it seemed to fit. And even though I had called her just "Kagome" before, I winced at the prevalence of it, out here in the night where everything became more pronounced and insecurities were open like fresh wounds exposed to the air. Lifting her head from my shoulder, I expected the usual retort and slap, but she just looked at me closely again, like I was an object to be examined…like she was the doctor and I was the patient. I didn't like that.

"Why do you do that?" She asked, scooting a little closer to me. I could smell her hair and the scents that she took in the bath with her.

"Why do I do what?" I asked, playing dumb and once again looking at the stars. Her gentle hand gripped my chin and directed my gaze back to her face.

"Why do you just redirect the conversation when it's centered on yourself? You always do that…" she mused, releasing my chin as my eyes grew wide at the prospect of her touching me willingly. But I was also silent because I couldn't think up a good excuse for anything. I couldn't even begin to think of how to answer her question. I was struck dumb and for a second I wondered when the last time that happened was. I had so many shocks in my life and it was strange to think that when faced with perhaps the truth of my character I paused. I didn't pause when I learned I was to probably die at a young age, cursed with a hole in my palm that sucked people in (sounds kind of insane, right?). I didn't pause when I found that I couldn't hold a knife. I didn't pause when I couldn't hold a sword. I didn't pause when I couldn't have a…woman. I thought on all these events, but I didn't question it at the time. they didn't shock me. Perhaps I was numb, perhaps I was dumb, but whatever it was, I sat there looking at Kagome without anything intelligent to say whatsoever. Do I do that? "I always just figured you were shy and humble, but that isn't really it, is it, Miroku?" She then turned back to the damn sky and started watching the stars again, as if knowing all along that I had no answer, that I certainly didn't have an answer now and that it upset me beyond words.

However, I dully noted, she didn't call me "Miroku-sama." So, I glanced at the sky too, her head still resting on my shoulder in a precarious way, as if she didn't notice she had leaned on me at all. In the dark night, I allowed myself to relax, the muscles unknotting and I sighed a little before I put my arm around her small frame and adjusted her as I moved to get more relaxed. It felt normal, for some reason, as if we had done this all before in some strange land of happiness and butterflies and pocky. It made me kind of confused. It made me kind of elated. And it made me kind of afraid.

And suddenly I had to act. The muscles bunched again but I stayed still. Her, being there, listening to me, consoling me, touching me, being with me, it was all too much for me to take. I had to show her, make her understand what this meant to me. I was always better at physicality. Words escaped me at such moments, my body taking over in its natural state. I don't know if this was what should have been done, but I had to show her that it wasn't all for naught, that I understood what she was doing. I would think on it later if I agreed with her or if she even had a point. But right now, I had to show her with my body and my hands what this was to me. So, interrupting our peaceful moment of star gazing, I gently touched her face and turned it towards mine. Her smile had frozen and her eyes had gone unexpectedly wide. I didn't know what I was doing, really. It was just a dream, it was just a dream, it was just a dream, I thought to myself as I brought my lips closer. I nuzzled her nose with mine and then barely brought my lips to hover over hers, wanting to swallow her gasp forever. I brushed over her lips repeatedly, like flower petals sliding over smooth skin. I could feel her hot breath on my lips and I didn't think as I brushed her hair back from her face and pressed a little harder, yet still lighter than I ever kissed a woman before. She drew away then, as if afraid, and I closed my eyes as I turned away from her, not able to see the rejection that had to be in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Kagome-sama, you were just being so…I don't know…so—"

"Nice to you?" She answered throatily. I shivered a little at the husky sound her voice had taken. I wanted to turn around and kiss her again, but I was afraid that I would scare her away.

"I suppose that was it." I got up, keeping my head down and I offered my cursed hand to help her stand as well. She took it gently, as if wary of the pain I experienced with the rosary biting into my flesh. Or perhaps it was her hand she was wary of, I couldn't help but think as I turned and started walking back to the village. I heard running footsteps and suddenly her arms were around my middle from behind as she held me. I ran a finger over her tiny hands clasped about my waist and I felt her head in between my shoulder blades. I let her hug me for a while and then tugged her hands to let go and started walking back to the village. Kagome didn't walk behind me, she didn't return to the village until much later.

She was my friend, that was all, I repeated over in my head as she pulled out her sleeping bag to rest. When Kagome lay down with Shippou in her arms, my stomach clenched uncontrollably. I took a seat on the wall opposite from her, watching her from the space between the hair in my eyes. Clutching my monk staff to me closely, I allowed meditative sleep overcome me, wondering what lost feeling was swirling inside me once more.

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Review responses:

Tenshiemi: Wow…that was quite sweet. Hope you enjoyed the chapter. And definitely check out Oasis. They kick…erm…ass.

Fyre Ahnjayl: Yeah, Miroku is so damn interesting. I think the fellow is genius on the characterization part myself. Kudos for noticing.

Suppis Tenshi: How I love thee, sweetie. I miss you. Come back and talk to me soon. Stupid interenet! GRRR ARGH.

Embyrr: I am hardly a librarian or an accomplished author. I'm just an aspiring one, I guess. Thanks for the compliment; I try to deliver quality work. Kudos for noticing.


	3. Wonderwall

ACK! I hyper-extended my arm, so that's why this chapter is a little late and kind of shorter or something. I dunno, I did it while extreme boogie-boarding. So…this was mostly typed with one hand, while I kept most thoughts in my head to see how it was going. Some interesting things go on here, hope you enjoy.

--MC

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**Wonderwall**

Today is gonna be the day  
That they're gonna throw it back to you  
By now you should've somehow  
Realized what you gotta do  
I don't believe that anybody  
Feels the way I do about you now   
  
Backbeat the word was on the street  
That the fire in your heart is out  
I'm sure you've heard it all before  
But you never really had a doubt  
I don't believe that anybody feels  
The way I do about you now   
  
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding  
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding  
There are many things that I would  
Like to say to you  
I don't know how   
  
Because maybe  
You're gonna be the one who saves me?  
And after all  
You're my wonderwall   
  
Today was gonna be the day  
But they'll never throw it back to you  
By now you should've somehow  
Realized what you're not to do  
I don't believe that anybody  
Feels the way I do  
About you now   
  
And all the roads that lead to you were winding  
And all the lights that light the way are blinding  
There are many things that I would like to say to you  
I don't know how   
  
I said maybe  
You're gonna be the one who saves me?  
And after all  
You're my wonderwall   
  
I said maybe  
You're gonna be the one who saves me?  
And after an  
You're my wonderwall   
  
Said maybe  
You're gonna be the one that saves me  
You're gonna be the one that saves me  
You're gonna be the one that saves me

------------------------------------

I never really wanted to wake up again. I think. I don't really remember why, though. I had seriously had a concussion. Or a bout of amnesia. Or I have some disorder where I forget something almost immediately after it happens. Or maybe I never really did what you think I did. Nope, nope nope. Nothing happened. I'm fine, I'm normal; I want to grope Sango and kill Naraku. La la la…all is right with the world. Yes, I am completely normal, saving the gaping hole in my hand. And the half demon bent on becoming a full youkai. And a demon exterminator (who oh no, does NOT kill the half demon) and an orphaned kitsune. COMPLETELY normal. Yes. Oh man, who can forget the girl from the future with the jewel of the four souls previously imbedded in her hip?

Because I certainly can't. No amount of wishing or pretending about amnesia could ever get me to forget the way her lips felt under mine. Or the way she gasped and clung to my robes. Buddha save me, but I was gone. She had me to do whatever she wanted with me and she didn't even know it. I was still trying to decide if it was better her not knowing this piece of information or not. (I mean, really, what DID she want to do with me? If it was something good, like, sex, then yes I'd want this particular pleasure. But if this included some kind of torture, or removal of some appendages that I particularly like on my body—well, I like ALL of them, but some more than others, well, really ONE more than others, but who WOULDN'T like that more than others, because honestly, HELLO…its your special appendage. It makes you happy…erm…yeah. It makes you…really…happy…? Anyways—I would definitely be out of that little idea. However, there are some instances where torture can be quite pleasurable. In fact, I heard once of this couple who based their entire sex life upon—)

But I did have to wake up. I did have to go about the daily routine of breaking camp, well, in this case, leaving a house where the ominous cloud disappeared and getting on the road again. I had to walk there, behind the group, staring as her skirt swayed in the wind and I had to remember every time that she wasn't mine. She was never going to be mine. She loved the dog. She loved the future. And if we were going through that track…she loved Shippou. She loved Sango. She loved Kiara. For goodness sake, I'm sure the fool girl even loved Sesshomaru. But me, she couldn't love me. It was just so OBVIOUS, really. That she couldn't. That she WOULDN'T. That there was no possible—she bent down and picked up Shippou. I groaned and gripped my monk's staff tightly.

I want amnesia.

-------------------------------------

I guess there are moments where you figure out something really amazing and you don't even know how you came about this realization. When reading books, the main character usually faces some great peril, or is stricken by some old man's conversation (because there is ALWAYS an old man, of course) who knows too much and is kind of crazy but you listen to him anyways because he is old and well, old. And then you go work out what you just realized. Most of the time, the main character succeeds, but life isn't that way, is it? Life is unfair, life is horrible, life is HARD. HARD, I tell you. And it doesn't seem to get any easier when you become a monk and have to CONTEMPLATE and MEDITATE on the fact that there is a gaping hole in your hand that can suck in anyone in a fifty feet radius. I hate it when I whine. I absolutely hate it. But there is nothing else that I can do. I can walk here and think about MY problems and MY unresolved issues and MY angst (which is honestly, all I know or care about at the moment, since ya know, I am kind of DYING), or I can walk here and think about some girl who I lo—

Dumb fucking luck.

Of course ME, of all people, would be the person to realize something important while ranting about how people in books realize something important and then acted on it.

Of course I would not be acting out on this particular realization. In fact, what realization? Was there ever a realization? Nope, I don't think so. I don't lov—nope I really don't even think anything about Kagome (no, not even the way her hair sways in the wind as it ripples her tiny kimono around, or the way she laughs at absolutely everything Shippou does even though its so obviously beneath her humor level, or the way she talks to Sango quietly and allows the stoic woman to actually show some damn emotion once in a while—when I'm NOT groping her—or the way she gets all serious when she senses a shard, or the way she scratches her nose when she gets a little confused reading her books from the future, or the way she is the only one that can carry on any kind of intellectual conversation with me, since she is the only one that knows how to read…or the way she smiles at me when I lag behind and I smile back and she then drops back and starts talki—)

"Hi Miroku," she smiled again, trying to keep it light. Right, I DO have amnesia now. Because apparently she does too. "So, about last night," she answered. Or maybe she doesn't. Is that a good thing? Because it could go either way. I mean, on the one hand she could totally reject me again and that, you know, would be painful, especially since I had realized something that I really didn't realize at the moment. Riiiiight. She asked me a question…?

"What?"

"Are we still friends?" Ah…the friends line. I'm sure I've heard this one before. Oh, right, that's ALL I've heard before. Because you know, well, never mind.

"Friends, Kagome? Why would we not be?" Ah, playing innocent flusters her—note to self.

"I-I, don't know. I don't want you to think ill of me. I mean, why kiss me? I'm sure you've had so many women before. Don't even bother with me. Because I mean, it's not even worth it. I mean, come on here, we're friends and I guess, that, what I was trying to say is—"

"I…I haven't had so many women before." I choked back the words, almost. I can't believe I just admitted that. She looked almost as stunned as I felt. Open mouth, insert foot and perhaps gloved hand containing rosary and large hole to then eat you from the inside out. Ugh, too graphic. But, it just wouldn't stop…the words, that is. "In fact, it could be said, Kagome, that I am quite the…virgin." I sighed, turning away from her and slapping myself in the head with my rosaried hand. It hurt more that way. Just the way I like it.

"Miroku, if you think its funny telling me that, I don't find it…funny." The steam seemed to be leaving her engine and I felt a little sick. So, alright. I've technically _done_ things with women…you can guess what. But I haven't exactly done _that_ thing which brings you the ultimate pleasure. Why do you think I continue to ask women? No one has said yes to me yet. Well, that's a lie. But the ones who said yes were not worthy of bearing my child. Although now that it's getting closer and closer, I might have to take up someone on the offer. Or I could ask dear little innocent Kagome for a pity fuck. Maybe she'd concede since I am going to die anyways.

"I do not lie Kagome. I only conceal the truth. But this is not one of those cases." Her blush was really, really appealing, actually. I kind of wanted to kiss her right then and show her that I may be inexperienced in body, but in spirit, I am the most skilled lover she could ever hope to have the benefit of pleasuring. One good thing about being a monk, I could always claim I knew who I was in past lives, my reincarnated soul recycled in some very nice bodies—men and women. I knew both sides of the coin, which made me quite adept in simply everything. Honestly.

"Oh! I'm a virgin too, then!" She blurted out, then gasped and clutched her mouth with her little hands in embarrassment. Like I didn't know that. Dog-demons mate for life, I would have known if Inuyasha had taken her by now. They are also fiercely protective of their territory, something which then clued me into another doubt. Where was that hanyou? I didn't particularly fancy having this information I was divulging (involuntarily, I think) to Kagome regurgitated later in some offhand comment or joke. This information did not need to be spread around. I had a reputation to protect which serves me other purposes than simple diversion tactics.

"Where is the dog?" I whispered, using this poor excuse for an opportunity to move myself closer to her body. She smelled heavenly. But of course, they all smell heavenly. All those girls that steal your heart HAVE to smell heavenly, or it just wouldn't work. It's like a prerequisite or something. 'Smell heavenly? Check. Legs men want wrapped around them? Check. Cute outfits? Check. Innocent? Check. Beautiful eyes? Check. Strange but cute habits men love (like biting on your lip when you're concentrating—that is an overused one by these women you fall in love with)? Check. Endearing qualities? Check. Possibility for man to save you a lot or just protect you (or at least _feel_ like he is protecting you)? Check. Virgin? Check. Modest? Check. Will not be afraid to hit "hentai's"? Check. Larger breasts than normal? Check. Strange colored hair or at least hair that shines? Check. ' That checklist would get any man. No wonder why I've succumbed. It was impossible, I tell you. That's what I'd say, if I was asked, 'Why do you love Kagome?' I'd answer, 'Because there was no choice in the matter. She followed the checklist. I mean, I have it here if you want to see it…' I think I'm losing it.

"Inuyasha said he wanted to check if there was a place to camp ahead. Shippou, Sango and Kiara went with him. He noticed you were lagging and started grumbling. Are you tired, Miroku-sama?" The stressed sama on my name suddenly stood out. That was what was missing. She hadn't been saying the sama! She considered me familiar enough to cut through the niceties and the formalities to call me by my first name alone! Abruptly, I turned to her and hugged her fiercely. This girl, this girl in my arms who is gently reciprocating my hug, this girl, this is the girl I love. Right here. Right here. I fell fast and hard. But I had no choice, right? I had to. She bites her lip. She is so innocent, so wonderful, so…Kagome. I buried my face in her neck and spun her around as she gripped my neck tighter and gasped. She made me so happy. It didn't matter anymore that she didn't love me. Right now, that didn't matter. Because suddenly, I knew she WOULD love me. Because she could. She could. No one felt the way I feel about her now. Because they couldn't. They didn't know. Because I didn't really know the extent of what I felt. I let her go gently for I sensed Inuyasha and Sango and the others returning. She looked stunned, almost puzzled at my outburst and perhaps the fact that I had mostly kept my hands to myself. Mostly. They had to feel that round, curvaceous under curve of her breast, really. It wasn't me, it was the checklist. I had to see. Larger breasts than normal? Check check and check.

So that was how they approached us. Kagome and I looking into each others eyes while I mentally checked her breasts one more time (one can never be too sure) and dragged my eyes towards the hanyou. I was too happy for words at the moment. Nothing was really as clear or as vibrant as it was then. I loved her. She could love me. She had saved me. This happiness overrode anything. With her by my side, I could accomplish what I needed to survive.

"Camp is right up here," Inuyasha pouted as he set out with Kagome in the lead. Sango stared at me for a while, the smile that could not be contained puzzling her, I'm sure. She gave me a sad, hurt look and I knew, I knew my suspicions were confirmed. I would have to talk to her now, now that I know for sure. I would have to explain. I would have to let her understand that I couldn't choose.

But for now, for now I didn't care, as I again brought up the rear. I didn't care. Stopping by the small stream I allowed myself to drink freely, feeling like I had never really tasted anything before this moment, that I've never really lived until this moment. I twined through the trees that provided the camp a bit of protection when I stopped. Of course, this feeling was not going to stay. Of course of course, life was unfair. How could I have forgotten so easily? How could I have even considered the notion whatsoever?

Kagome and Inuyasha laughed off in the distance, as he helped her to stand, bringing her a little closer to his body than necessary. The blush that stained both their cheeks was enough to know of the mutual affection present there. I should have known. I should have fucking known.

My heart thudded against my chest as I gripped the side of the tree. The bark bit into my hand, pinching the beads together. Even has the first drop of blood stained the side of cloth covering the part of my hand that actually was flesh, I couldn't turn away. It was the story of my life, really. Looking at her and him, it was perfect. Just like the kazaana preordained since birth, I was destined to be second best. I could not be a normal man; I had to be this, this second rate human who knows the plight of death that lies before him. Everything was second best. I could not become a doctor because I was destined to perform basic tasks with the hand that is cursed, my sacred beads jabbing into my hand as I gripped the knife. Even as a samurai, the grip on your sword must be free-flowing and skilled. According to my Master, one cannot be skilled in swordplay if you have a gaping hole three inches wide centered on your palm. With the Monk staff shoved in my hand, robes thrown upon my body, and poverty glaring me in the face, how could any woman hope to love a man such as myself? What could I give a woman except the pleasure of my company? And not even the full pleasure. I could only give them enough to satisfy the urge. I could never complete the act. I could never give my seed to someone I didn't…love. I found enough women to pass the time, but now I was here with this woman who could save me from all that, she could give me something better than sloppy seconds, I could have sloppy firsts. I could pave my own path with her and now I hit the biggest wall—HER love. Two paths diverged in Inuyasha's wood—which one shall our Heroine take? She doesn't even have to decide—she has been walking down that path since the beginning and I am left to watch her from cracks through the wall, the wonderwall of my life. I love her but my love is in vain just like my life. I live in vain for my kazaana grows each day. I live in vain for I am a destitute monk who offers no one anything except for my selfish wish to live. I live in vain for my unrequited love for Kagome hurts a woman who I cannot bring myself to love. I live in vain for a life that cannot be my own. I just thought that perhaps maybe, perhaps this time, she was gonna be the one that saves me.

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Review responses:

LadyMissymia: Yeah, I definitely agree. We all can lose our muses. But as for me being a supernatural genius, you are mistaken. I AM a genius. Just not supernatural (sigh). Kidding. But, yeah, Miroku is definitely under characterized. He is so darn interesting too!

Ilikesaddleshoes: Yeah…go Kagome and Miroku. (sigh)

FriendsForever247: Yeah, this is definitely Miroku/Kagome. I abhor Inuyasha/Kagome and Sango/Miroku…those canon straight-edged pairings are boring. I never write those.

Morbidity: It definitely was encouraging. Thanks a lot. I'm glad you like the characterization. He seems to mesh really well with my style of writing.

Suppis Tenshi: Hey darling. I'm glad you love yet another of my stories. I miss ya too…(pouts) AH! EMO KIDS! Miroku is such an emo kid. I think that's why I love him.

Kartoosh: Thanks, man.

Psychocynic: As always, your reviews are poignant and thought provoking. They also make me feel damn good. Food for thought is my favorite dish.

Rosin1: Bah to seduction. And jellied squid? I thought it sounded gross gross gross. I was just racking my brain for something that sounded of that era. Who knows if I got it right. Bah. But thanks, I really appreciate your review.


	4. Don't Look Back In Anger

Gah! Sorry for the long wait! I had some issues and some fun little not wanting to write ideas. BLAH. But here it is. I hope all is well with you all.

Read and enjoy,

--MC

-----

**Don't Look Back in Anger**

Slip inside the eye of your mind  
Don't you know you might find  
A better place to play  
You said that you'd once never been  
All the things that you've seen  
Will slowly fade away  
  
So I'll start the revolution from my bed  
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head  
Step outside the summertime's in bloom  
Stand up beside the fireplace  
Take that look from off your face  
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out  
  
So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by  
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say  
  
Take me to the place where you go  
Where nobody knows if it's night or day  
Please don't put your life in the hands  
Of a Rock n Roll band  
Who'll throw it all away  
  
So I'll start the revolution from my bed  
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head  
Step outside the summertime's in bloom  
Stand up beside the fireplace  
Take that look from off your face  
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out  
  
So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by  
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say  
  
Don't look back in anger  
Don't look back in anger  
Don't look back in anger  
At least not today

-------------------------------------------------------

My mother used to tell me when I was little that my father died protecting her and me from a powerful demon. When I discovered it was a lie, I couldn't forgive her and I left her company and her comfort forever. However, now I guess I realize that it wasn't too far off, since in destroying himself far away from our house, he did manage to save us from him. And Naraku was a powerful demon who directly gave him the curse, so I guess it could all be construed as my mother telling me the truth. Or not.

My childhood was an idealistic time, I guess you could say. Extraordinarily sweet and innocent to balance out the harsh times to come. Sometimes the memory of my youth is the only thing that kept me going, wandering through the hills and valleys of my homeland alone, dealing with the demons inside myself who sometimes seemed more powerful than the ones I actually fought with my houriko and my kazaana. It wasn't hard to pass through territories without encountering a demon at all, but somehow the kazaana given to me by Naraku attracted a fair bit of notice from notably bad, good or indifferent youkai. It wasn't that they knew, exactly, but it was if the aura of Naraku that constantly clung to my body was like a marker, or a tag, as if knowing that I had once dealt with him I could perhaps be a worthy opponent. Monks, on the most part, were left alone by mostly all species, the ceremonial garb giving a begrudging respect, human, demon or otherwise. Now, not to say that there wasn't the stray crazy individual that was desperate for money or for goods or anything that would stoop to attack a monk—but I suppose desperation could lead you to do almost anything.

Traveling with the group always had always left some sort of bitter taste in the back of my throat, as if I hadn't drank anything for a while and my mouth had become parched and swollen with the recesses of my own dry spittle. It wasn't that I detested company, I mean, as a human I desperately craved the contact that only other humans could provide, but I had gone too long without any kind of company—steady company, that is, that it left me feeling uncomfortable, awkward, unable to show people who I really was, because being alone so long, I had lost myself along the way. Perhaps it was when the skyline kissed the hills to the east or was it where the river met the forest in the south or where the demanding darkness of the overgrown wilderness covered me in the north, or was it the sparse, open west that made me lose myself there. When I looked at all my surroundings, I found myself dropping back from the group, so moved past the point of words to even describe the memories that assaulted me. Sango had lived in a village, full of family and close friends all her life. Inuyasha had been pinned to a tree where before he had lived a life of luxury, albeit ridicule in the home of the Western Lord. Shippou had his parents and Kagome had her future. Yet I had so little to grasp, it felt almost wrong of me to feel an affinity towards the trees, the grasses, the land—instead of with human contact. When I meditated, I had to go out and find a spot where nature lent itself to the four elements—water, wind, earth and fire—a place where these four elements could come together in a blessed union.

Those moments are where I felt the idyllic peacefulness of my childhood returning, where I could see my mother's face smiling at me as she prepared the day's rice, laughing at my precocious antics of always managing to find myself in some sort of trouble. My father was rarely home as it was, he had taken to the bottle as his answer to his solutions long before the thought of defeating Naraku ever did. So many men of my past had been ruined by the effect of the bottle, leaving it as an obvious conclusion to the loneliness all the years I had spent wandering. Even Kushino, the medicine Buddhist I had spent some time with in my much younger years, had died of the effects of alcohol on his liver. No amount of praying could have helped him then, but that was just the pessimistic side of me coming out—the ruin to any real intentions of becoming a monk.

My mother, on the other hand, was completely dedicated to me. Even after my father's death, she stayed loyal to our familial bond, never allowing me to hate my father for his disappearance or get into too much trouble with the local girls. And I adored her, as any child would adore her—her long, silky neck, the way her skin smelled when she hugged me and the special treats she would give me right before I went to bed every night. She laughed in this loud, clear way, never allowing the person who she was laughing with to think—even for a minute—that what they were saying wasn't about the funniest damn thing she had ever heard in her entire life. I loved that about her, our house was never without laughter at least most part of the day and it seemed perpetually sunny, as if my mother had deemed it so with her happiness. She didn't have a name to me then. She was simply "mother," nothing more, nothing less. I didn't know who she really was, and when I left that day, I'm guessing she didn't really know either. It wasn't either of our faults, it was simply what the relationship was—I loved her because she was my mother and she took care of me—she took care of me because I was her child and she loved me. But loving someone doesn't necessarily entail that you know them, and that was just about the hardest thing for me to learn as I wondered the grassy moors that I traveled, to either escape from my past or run to it. When I die, I know it will come down to that high, clear laugh and that long silky smooth neck that smelled of sweet rice and ripe, wet bamboo shoots. I'd like to think that my father died that way, sometimes, and it comforts me a little that at least in my death, I won't be entirely alone. Not this time.

Thinking about my mother brought the usual batch of nostalgia back in full force. So I shed a tear because I felt the emotion necessary in the situation at hand and quickly wiped it away and moved on with my life. Thus it is with memories, I suppose.

--------------------------------

Ever since I discovered that I did indeed not realize what I realized about Kagome, I had drawn within myself, feeling too much when she would come to my side and comfort me. Little touches I cherished, her small hand as it caressed my shoulder. Her arm as it gently brushed mine as we walked. Her hair as she turned to make the ramen. I would stay up later than my body should allow doing her watch with her, discussing with her, talking with her. Days, weeks, maybe months passed like this, my body aching to kiss her again, my heart dying for release. Reality was hardly a factor anymore. I didn't have to sit there and believe that I was really caught up in thinking about anything else. My heart had chosen her and I couldn't really move on. Now that I believed she could be the one person that could save me from dying by making me live, I would not be swayed. I couldn't be. Not when I had a least some inkling of a chance to win her.

My feelings for Inuyasha had become terribly, annoying. I wondered why the focus was perpetually on him, being guided from place to place by his desires, his own relentless selfish wish to become a full demon. He was an extraordinary creature and I was a mere man. If Kagome was telling the truth, saying that in her time youkai did not rule the earth as they once did, then Inuyasha would undoubtedly been the most important thing to her on the trip to the past. What is our fascination with the extraordinary? What about the ordinary? I'm ordinary. I'm hardly an extraordinary person, especially since I am branded as a monk, something less then an exciting hanyou bent on transformation. He had so many _issues _and had so much _angst_ it made me want to relieve myself of my dinner.

However, this relief was often brought about in the form of battle. I yearned for battle now, eyes almost practically bleeding red when Kagome would shout that there was a shard in her the vicinity.

"Shard, Inuyasha!" She would call. Cue the annoyingly large and disgusting creature that we would inevitably take down because hello, we are the stars of the show. Anyway, they would proceed to drip spittle from their teeth as they grunted at Kagome's necklace of shards, exchange some rather vulgar pleasantries with our resident hanyou and then start fighting with anything that resembled a thing that could move. And sometimes it didn't even go that far. I swear on Buddha that I have seen enough drooling freakish barbarian youkai attack too many an innocent tree to make me want to crusade for their protection. Kagome had told me that in the future everyone was worried about the environment and trees and stuff, so I figure why would it be presumptuous to start early? Well, I was always a little precocious. I might have said that before, but life is bound for repeats. I still managed to grope Sango even though I knew the repercussions included severe head injury and swirly eyes.

Anyways, Inuyasha would usually retort with the ever genius:

"I shall kill you with my gigantic sword! Be of awe!!!!!" And then proceed to make an arse out of himself until I lent him some of my houriki while I staffed the minor youkai to death (sometimes even passed death…even Buddha doesn't have no respect for the life of a species that's main claim to fame is a stoic pretty boy who wears eye make-up). I would have a couple good lines (yes, innuendos intended) such as:

"Taste the wrath of my staff!"

Or

"Beware the large-staffed monk!"

Or my personal favorite:

"Corrupt me not, youkai scum!" I think I really liked the idea of cursing something without being castrated by Sango for a dirty mouth since anything really went while fighting. I could always just blame it on the being in the heat of battle as well. But nonetheless, battle had definitely allowed me to work off most of my…frustrations. I think its safe to say that youkai kind was lucky that I did not discover this alternative before I joined the shard group or Naraku might be dead right now. That was really just all talk, but I like thinking it about myself anyway. Helps me get to sleep at night.

Sleep, as we were speaking of it, wasn't really giving me the time of night anymore, really. I would toss and turn and disturb everyone with my random mumblings to myself about concentrating on my focal meditation point. But somehow my mind would always drift off to Kagome and well, not even a cold spring could douse my fervor enough for me to sleep. So, senses ablaze, I went to sleep every night with the stench of lust clinging to my robes. Even Inuyasha had stopped complaining.

So it would be inevitable that one of the worst conversations of my life happened to be on a night such as this. A night that would haunt my memories even after I had thought I had attained all possible happiness. She had known, of course. For a while. But it had taken her all this time to confront me about it, in her own delicate way.

"Houshi!" Sango whispered fiercely as I tossed for the third time in a minute, grumbling to myself, completely disgruntled. I ignored her, not in the mood for idle chit-chat or a verbal frenzy of insults. "Houshi!" She whispered again from the campfire, and I couldn't help but lift my head. With her insistent wave I pulled myself out of bed and sat next to the log she inhabited, trying to calm myself to some normal state of consciousness.

"What do you need, Sango?" I asked impertinently, annoyed. She blushed. Go figure.

"Why…" She paused. Out with it woman, I thought, resisting the urge to rub my temple. "Why…have you not been sleeping?" She looked at me and my annoyance cleared a little. She was my friend kind of sort of. Well, we fought together, we didn't really know each other, but we fought together. And in Sango's book, that was probably one of the most intimate things you could do for someone. So I smiled slightly for her.

"A lot of things on my mind…" I said honestly, shaking my head a little. She looked at me still, her eyes unblinking.

"Is it the kazaana?" She asked, not afraid to talk about my impediment suddenly. I shook my head sadly, not agreeing or denying the question. I actually felt a little surprised. I hadn't really felt bitter about the whole kazaana situation for a while. But sadly, I had felt entirely too bitter at other things which just made me in a constantly bitter state which, you know, wasn't fun. Obviously. Who wants to be constantly bitter about things? I don't know if I could be even function without being bitter about something. Perhaps that was why I was chosen to carry this curse, I thought, idly touching my hand. Perhaps I was meant to be like this. Happiness wasn't a part of my life from the beginning. Perhaps, in a sick, masochistic way, this was all meant to be.

"Is it Kagome?"

The hand lazily fiddling with the rosary almost ripped the thing clean off in surprise. Of course she knew. I knew this already. But her saying it to my face was a little different than inferring she knew more than she actually did. Which I always sort of hoped back in the drawers of my mind. Somewhere round there…

"What?" I decided to play stupid. It's worked before. She looked at me, creasing her forehead.

"Is it because Kagome loves Inuyasha?" 'And not me…' hung in the air. I didn't want to acknowledge it but as I looked at her eyes, full of curiosity, I nodded, drawing in a quick breath at how fast her eyes burned with anger and sadness. "But…you stopped groping her a long time ago…you still grope …" She looked away from me, pulling on a loose thread on her clothing. I didn't know what to tell her.

"Sometimes you don't do things you want to do so people don't know you want to do them…" I answered, looking at her. I idly picked up a stick and started drawing random patterns in the soil with it, trying to distract myself from the task at hand. "And sometimes you do things you don't want to do so people think you don't want to do other things…" I winced as her eyes burned with pain. I clinched his teeth, grinding them together, but knowing that it had to be done. She couldn't continue to harbor these feelings for me. I would never return them. She needed to stop them now and the harsher I was, the more she'd hate me instead of Kagome.

"I…I thought that it meant you…" She murmured, still disbelieving, even though she knew in her heart it was true. She was the one who asked me. But like I said, hearing it out loud is different than inferring anything whatsoever.

"It didn't." I answered, making my voice as gentle as possible even though my words were anything but. "You are beautiful; Sango, but I do not love you." She stumbled to her feet, trying to find her balance through the tears. I didn't move, knowing my comfort would not help.

"You could have learned to love me!" She whispered fiercely, glancing at the sleeping hanyou and the object of my affection. I dropped the stick and looked her in the eyes, our gaze not wavering.

"No, I could not have." She gave an empty cry of hurt and ran off into the forest. I sighed as I stood up and followed her slightly, making sure to put up wards over her place of solitude, protecting from demons what I could not protect from heartbreak.

---------------------------------------------

The next morning was like nothing had ever happened, even though I had the decency to refrain from groping the girl. I didn't want to be killed by a heartbroken demon exterminator, I thought as I looked over at Kagome. I still hadn't told her anything about the feelings I had for her and I wanted to keep it that way. Although, (I rubbed my kazaana through the beads), I couldn't help but feel a sense of urgency as the jewels grew scarce and Naraku's bugs grew to a more familiar sight during battle. I could feel that the end was near, deep inside my bones. I'd rather not think about if "the end" meant the end of the journey, the end of the battle or…the end of me.

We set out and I wondered to the back of the group again, tired from my lack of sleep and frustration. Sango walked stiffly ahead of me, Kiara skipping merrily along side her. Kagome was having an intense conversation with Shippou ("No, Shippou, you can't have any more chocolate?" "Why?" "Because I don't think Inuyasha will appreciate you doing a repeat performance of the jig you did at breakfast." "What was wrong with that?" stifled laughter "Nothing whatsoever…") and Inuyasha was off in the front sniffing somewhere, being the dog that he is. Just like any normal day…any normal time. Sango glanced back at me quickly, as if worried I had stopped following the group. I sighed, continuing my slow pace, jingling the chains on my staff as I walked from habit. Most monks did it to announce they're presence. I did it so people could present themselves so I had an opportunity to tell them about certain ominous clouds. Sighing, I looked at Sango's back and whispered to the wind:

"Don't look back in anger…" I prayed, to Kami, whoever…that she would not look back in anger.

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Review Responses:

ArtificialRed: Thanks, that's definitely a compliment. I wouldn't agree that this is the best, but I hope it's making a mark…

Ceaseless Cloudy Days: I try not to be typical in my writings. I hate the same old plot lines. However, I do write in the long paragraph style. I am a very introspective writer; I really enjoy writing from one character's point of view and doing a kind of character study. So this is my crack at Miroku.

Morbidity: How I love thee. Let me count the ways. Ah…you make me happy…

Psychocynic: Were the devil have you been? You relieved me so much when you said its in the style of ISWT. That was one of the hardest things I struggled with when writing this. I can't go back to worthless dribble anymore. Unless its for Fred and George Weasley. They amuse me too much not to.

Suppistenshi: You're talking crazy talk. But not really. I really would like to be published. Bah…my dreams. My work. My life. dies That's all. How I miss thee. Come back!


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